Round 21 – Hawthorn v Gold Coast Suns

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Kokoda – land of the sinking suns

“Nausea, dizziness and headaches”
– little wonder

I’ve been unwell over the past few days, laid low by a virulent winter bug that has ravaged most of my family and friends in recent weeks. Not to be too melodramatic about it or appear like I’m a hapless hypochondriac, but it was really quite debilitating, involving a sore throat, fever, night sweats, a wracking cough, dizziness and a runny nose. At its worst I was on six Panadol and a pack of Butter Menthol a day. So quite bad you’ll agree, but with a nice easy game against the Gold Coast Suns approaching and the prospect of Buddy’s return to the team, I dragged myself heroically from my sick bed and headed to the G, only to learn via radio on the way that Buddy was out due to illness! Illness! What about me? I was making the effort; the least Buddy could do is turn up and slot a few goals. They didn’t have to be spectacular goals; just your routine, running, four bounces while dodging three defenders type goals would be fine.

I checked the Hawks website which informed me that he’d awoken on Saturday night with nausea, dizziness and headaches.  I also saw on the website that this was the Kokoda round and I immediately put two and two together: excited at the prospect of playing again, Buddy had gone to sleep with his match day jumper on the next pillow. Waking during the night he stared at the Kokoda jumper alongside him and was immediately overcome with nausea, dizziness and headaches induced by the riot of murky colours swirling about in the jumper design. Quite understandable really. What’s remarkable about the jumper design is not so much its sartorial drabness, although that is quite marked, but that it evokes in the viewer similar feelings of deprivation and hardship felt by the Australian troops who were actually under siege by Japanese forces in Papua New Guinea during the Second World War. Mind you, it’s still not as bad as the Suns’ Ironman inspired getup.

Behind the grassy knoll

While still in the car listening to Triple M Footy broadcast the Dogs v Swans game, the crew reported the rumours circulating on Twitter about the ‘real’ reason behind Buddy’s absence. You guessed it, the old three strikes story again. It seems that every time Buddy is late for a tattoo inking session or misses an appointment with his hair stylist, the same story that started in 2008 immediately resurfaces – that it’s an AFL suspension pending an announcement about failing a third drugs test. Surely people, we’re over this particular scuttlebutt. There are more conspiracy theories surrounding Buddy missing one match than there are about JFK’s assassination. As for Triple M reporting meaningless static from the Twittersphere as if it is news, well, that is simply staggering.  Mind you, given the songs they play in the name of music, it’s also not surprising.

But really, these mad conspiracy theories about Buddy have got to stop. Who is putting them about? The media? The Ballieu government? The ALP’s faceless men? The CIA, The US government? Mick Malthouse? You may scoff at any connection with these known agitators, these dark conservative forces, but their involvement is not so far-fetched. The reason behind Buddy’s prolonged absence has nothing to do with the AFL’s three strikes drug policy, his recent car accident, losing his licence for speeding, the misogynistic slogans of his t-shirt company or his choice of swimwear. There’s no second gun and no one sheltering behind a grassy knoll. I have it on good authority that the real reason for Buddy’s extended spell on the sidelines stems from legal complexities surrounding his application for political asylum to Ecuador. Buddy has been out for the same period as Julian Assange has been holed up in the Ecuadorian embassy in London. Coincidence? I think not. Like all freedom fighters and vigilantes for truth, Buddy is routinely persecuted by dark forces of evil (Mick Malthouse) and my best guess is that he’s joining Julian Assange seeking refuge in the Ecuadorean embassy. Well it’s just as likely as the three strikes scenario.

On the hallowed turf

There was a crowd of 23,098 (23!) at the MCG for this match being played in the Twilght Zone timeslot of 4.40 on a Sunday.  It’s lucky the announcement about Buddy’s withdrawal was left until late, because otherwise a good 25 per cent of these people may well have stayed home. And we could have dwindled to an NRL-size gathering.

It was disappointing for those who did turn up that Buddy wasn’t playing, but at least Gary Ablett was out there putting on a show.  He’s about the closest thing in the AFL to a one-man team, similar to Chris Judd in his first year at Carlton, or even Jobe Watson this year at Essendon.  Ablett was everywhere, and sure he made a few mistakes – kicking out on the full, dribbling it out of bounds, getting caught holding the ball in the goal square – but he had so much of the ball that it was inevitable really. His mistakes largely come because his team mates don’t know how to support him or he’s caught trying to bail one of them out of dire peril. I certainly won’t begrudge him another Brownlow for the trouble he goes to each week, though obviously I’d rather see the medal draped around Roughead’s elegant neck. Having said that, in assessing the match at the end, we decided Ablett deserved the 3, 2 and 1 Brownlow votes.

As for the Hawks, well it wasn’t our most polished and determined effort, and hardly befitting the Kokoda spirit supposedly enshrined in the jumper we were wearing. Let’s just say that if the blokes defending Port Moresby on the Kokoda in the Second World War displayed a similar level of intensity and determination, then they’d have never turned back the Japanese armed forces. But the Hawks were only playing the Suns, who don’t have quite the firepower of the Japanese military. And while Japan may be known as the land of the rising sun – it will be a few more years before these particular Suns rise too much higher up the ladder.

In the end the Hawks won by 10 goals in a game where, thanks to other results going our way, a win by any margin was sufficient. And we did it without our two best forwards, our best midfielder and our best defender. Not quite the backs to the wall performance of the original Kokoda fighters, but a reasonable effort all things considered.  It was hardly inspiring, but it was never going to be. Smith kicked a couple of nice running goals, Hodge was busy and precise, Gunston marked and kicked well, Bateman was back, Lewis was being a he-man as always, Ellis was getting the ball and only turning it over occasionally, but slotting a couple of goals, while The Cobbler kicked a beautiful right foot snap over his shoulder for the second of two first quarter goals – you won’t see that very often. Birchall and Hale were both excellent.

Remembering the dark days of the late 90s and mid noughties, I’ll take a 10 goal win against anyone any day.  I would just prefer the games were held at a time more conducive to watching football.  But either way, next week we have a chance to go to the top of the ladder if we beat the Swans. The Hawks don’t always play so well against Sydney, let alone in Sydney, especially without Cyril, but we won there last year and we’re playing better now than at that stage, so a win is possible. Hawks on top!

Final scores: Hawthorn 19  15  129 d Gold Coast Suns 10  5  65.

What we like: Essendon crashing and burning.